Tag Archives: Remorse

Secret to a good relationship

19 Nov

Good relationships do not just happen. They are usually a combination of hard work, honesty, trust and trying that little bit harder.

So, how to achieve a successful and long lasting relationship?

Well, there are several things to remember and consider…

  • Changes will occur, so be open-minded and accept them as they happen. Try to rise above them, as no matter what, you know you still love each other.
  • Be attentive to each other’s needs and feelings.  Use kind words and give each other emotional support. It really helps, if you can stay polite, even in times of anger. Nobody likes to be found to be in the wrong but you should be able to apologise if necessary.
  • Jealousy is an emotion that almost everyone experiences in a relationship, even a good one. Problems arise when the emotion you are feeling is unhealthy jealousy. It can be a very destructive force and can completely destroy a good relationship. When you are unhealthily jealous you tend to imagine that your partner is interested in another person and twist any information to absolute beliefs, even when there is no real evidence. It is important to accept the things that are within your control and the things that are not. You can control what you believe and what you do. You are not in control of what your partner thinks, feels, imagines or does. If you have concerns about jealousy, you may find our upcoming MasterClass on the subject, of interest.
  • Don’t forget the physical side of a relationship is also very important. Try to stay connected and take times out of your busy day to do even the simplest things, such as holding hands and smiling at each other. If you feel that the physical side of your relationship is suffering, it may be time to undertake some therapy and consult an expert. Do not feel you are alone in having these sorts of problems. This decision needn’t cause embarrassment and anxiety. Therapists are aware of how anxious you might feel and will help set you at ease. Cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy can be particularly helpful and your therapist will have been trained with the knowledge and ability to communicate sensitively and confidently.
  • At times in any relationship, there will be occasions when you experience disappointment. You will feel uncared for and let down. There is no cause for worry as long as you don’t let the disappointment become the unhealthy emotion, hurt. You will need to take responsibility for your emotions and explain your feelings in a balanced way.
  • It is useful to remember we are all fallible human beings and it may be the case at some point that you need to take the responsibility for a transgression. No one is perfect all the time. The remorse you feel is a healthy emotion and enables you to make appropriate amends for your poor behaviour without making excuses. You can forgive yourself and accept that you have made a mistake, learn from it, and move on.

So, good relationships do not just happen, but they can be nurtured and maintained. What are your thoughts on the secrets to a good relationship?

 

 

Emotion Blog Series #4: Guilt and Remorse

2 Aug

Guilt is an unhealthy emotion

Guilt is the fourth unhealthy negative emotion in our Emotions series.  We experience guilt when we hold unhealthy beliefs about transgressing our own moral code, do not live up to our moral code or hurting the feelings of a significant other.

 

Guilt is mostly created by the rigidly held beliefs that you “absolutely shouldn’t have” thought or done something or that you “absolutely should have” done something.

For example, you may believe “I have done something morally wrong and I absolutely should not have done that wrongdoing and I am a bad person for doing that”

You can feel guilt about many things.  You may feel guilty about being depressed believing “I shouldn’t be depressed, it’s wrong to feel this way when I have so much, I should be grateful for what I have”.  This belief would lead to the self damning belief “I am a bad person” which perpetuates the cycle of guilt and depression.  You may experience guilt about some behaviour, for example infidelity, telling lies, getting unhealthily angry with a loved one, keeping secrets and so on.

 

Remorse is the healthy negative emotion that partners guilt, which occurs when you hold healthy or rational beliefs about breaking your own moral standards or about hurting the feelings of a significant other. For example, a healthy belief would be “I have broken my moral code and I wish I hadn’t done that wrongdoing and I accept that I have done something I perceive as morally wrong. I accept myself as a worthwhile and fallible human being even though I have done something wrong.  I will make amends and ask for forgiveness for what I have done.”

 

How do you know if you are guilty or remorseful?

When you think you are guilty you believe you have committed the sin and you tend to take all the responsibility for the transgression and tend not to think others have any responsibility.  For example, imagine you had promised to record your best friend’s favourite programme whilst she was away on a business trip and you failed to do so.  If you hold an unhealthy belief that, “I absolutely should always do what I am say I am going to do” you will disturb yourself over this failure to act in accordance with this belief.   You may tend to over apologise or compensate by buying a disproportionately extravagant gift to make amends or you may try to avoid contact with your friend.

If you held the healthy belief that” I strongly prefer to act in accordance with what I say I am going to do but I don’t absolutely have to” then you will experience remorse and will more than likely apologise  for your failure to your friend without begging for forgiveness.

When we experience guilt we also believe we will be punished in some way for that sin.

To escape the pain of guilt we try and escape the feeling in self defeating ways, avoiding situations or people so you are not confronted by your feeling of guilt, you may use alcohol or recreational drugs to suppress the feelings

When we feel guilty we may feel like begging for forgiveness and agreeing to never commit the sin again, we may even feel like punishing ourselves taking physical penance or by acts of deprivation.

If you are experiencing the healthy negative emotion of remorse you will be able to think of your behaviour in context, with an understanding and self acceptance as a “fallible human being”.  With remorse you do not think there will be some kind of retribution for your sin and you are able to keep perspective and recognise your responsibility as well as others in the given situation.

When feeling remorseful you make appropriate amends for your poor behaviour without making excuses and face up to the healthy discomfort.  Instead of begging for forgiveness as in guilt you ask for forgiveness and have no desire to punish yourself or become defensive about your actions.

 

TIPS

  • Become and remain aware of your values and the moral code you wish to apply to your life but don’t hold your values rigidly.  No one is perfect.
  • Take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge any transgression and then ask for forgiveness, make amends and learn from it.

 

If asking for forgiveness or making amends is no longer an option, then forgive yourself and accept that you are a fallible human being who has made a mistake.  Learn from it.